7 Nights in: Malia

Hi everyone! I hope you’re all well.

I’m back with the yearly account of my girls holiday. Who wouldn’t want an annual blog post detailing what the disgraceful UK youth get up to during Summer?

This year my friends and I went to Malia in Crete – I’m pretty certain all the ‘party islands’ are the same, but I’m sure you’re all dying to know what we got up to… so here we go!

Before we’d even set foot off the plane in Greece, we’d already had one vomiting incident in the group… bloody hell, here we go.

Unfortunately this wasn’t alcohol-induced, but actually food poisoning. Boring. Warning: never buy a smoked salmon sandwich from Gatwick’s South Terminal Pret a Manger. It may lead to filling a plastic bag with sick and having to hand it to a grimacing flight attendant within the first hour of your flight.

So, the first, inevitable vom was out the way: let’s get to Malia.

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Arriving in Heraklion airport.

We arrived to our apartment around 10pm and were suitably impressed. Let’s talk about our hotel first – we had two rooms between the six of us and they were all spotless and ideally sized. The hotel we stayed in was called Maria Rousse and I honestly couldn’t recommend it more – the staff couldn’t do enough for us and made the effort to learn us all by name, we felt very safe and secure there with security patrolling 24/7 and the two pool areas were perfect bliss. Also, it’s really centrally located less than 5 minutes to the top of the strip, and takes about 15 minutes to get right to the bottom where the beach is.

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One thing worth mentioning is that the security come round around midnight/1am every night and ask you to turn your music down. This wasn’t really an issue for us as we usually headed out around that time anyway, but if you’re looking for some rowdier pre-drinks or know you’re going to be loud when you stumble home with chips in your hair and tequila in hand, keep in mind!

Our first night was, of course, spent sussing out the strip. It’s just what we expected it to be – neon lights, loud music and criminally cheap deals. Glorious.

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You know it’s been a good night when this is the only photo from your night out…

Obviously, we all *tried* to pace ourselves on the first night and take it easy. Apparently, for someone in the group, the 1 euro G&T’s were far too tempting and this resulted in a bottle’s worth of peach schnapps thrown up into the toilet and, uhh, a pissed bed. I wish I was joking. Welcome to Malia!

Bed-wetting aside, let’s get into the holiday.

Most of our days were spent lazing around the pool, eating more ice-creams than a standard human should with our two blow-up companions, Sue the Swan and Florence the Flamingo. Oh, by the way, we’re 20 years old, not 12 FYI.

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Was she a waste of 21 euros? OBVIOUSLY not.

Other daytime activities included Pleasure Beach Club, Water City and the Malia Booze Cruise. 

Pleasure Beach Club was the ideal spot if you wanted to add a touch of class to your Malia experience. Think Ibiza, instagrammable vibes. We rented out some beds for the day and chilled out at the beach which was a nice change from our hotel pool.

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Jus’ me, posin, definitely haven’t noticed the camera…

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Gorgeous settings!

Some of the girls indulged in the cocktail menu, which looked fab, too. I definitely didn’t steal one just for a photo, what are you thinking?

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Unfortunately my Pleasure Beach experience was slightly short lived and not massively pleasurable as I sort of felt like death was going to occur within me. (Daiquiri hangover+astonishing sweat+30 degree heat really aren’t a healthy mix) and I scampered back to the hotel for a well-needed sleep, but I’d recommend the place nonetheless. Through mid-passing-away, I could still appreciate the lovely settings.

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Water City was also a great day out – the water-park itself is massive and good fun… if you’re not a wimp like me. I’ve had one too many bad experiences on water-slides to fully let loose, you know. As happens at every water-park experience on our girls holidays, we try and choose the smallest, tamest, least-scary slide to go on first and somehow end up in a dark hell-hole hurtling towards our deaths at 80mph. Your stomach feeling like it’s going to fall out of your arse and sensing your morning fry-up making a comeback is not ideal first thing in the morning, I assure you.

Thirdly, the Booze Cruise – what a day! I bloody love a boat party, me. What’s not to love about getting drunk at sea, highly encouraged to down your body-weight in alcohol and dancing on tables, nearly falling in to the ocean? I mean, sea-sickness is something not to love, but you’ll get over it.

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The reason I was lolling was because my foot fell down the gap and I flung my drink over someones head in a panic… oops.

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If you book the Booze Cruise (which you totally should) REMEMBER the no right-hand drinking rule. I got caught out 4 bloody times. 4 TIMES. Don’t think you can just say no, because you will quite literally get the drink force-fed down your throat, kicking and screaming as sambuca is funnelled into your gob.

The only issue with the Booze Cruise was that there was one toilet. I repeat, one toilet for about 200 girls. This resorted in girls genuinely weeing in the sink, because, as we all know, copious amounts of alcohol and NO TOILET ACCESS never ends very well.

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As for events, we had a rather mixed bag. Last year in Kavosthe Full Moon Party was one of our favourite nights, so of course, we wanted a repeat in Malia. Oh dear.

Classically, our rep had rather, err, ripped us off, so the ‘beach party’ we’d been excitedly sold had actually been moved to a tennis court. A fucking tennis court. Forget dancing in the sand, cocktails in hand with the sunset going down behind us – we were now raving on astro-turf. Yeah, boy off the Malia Full Moon if I were you, huns. Kavos is where it’s at.

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Still smilin’ with a cocktail bucket, doe.

One event we did really enjoy was Majestic Monday at Crystal Beach Club. It was a pool party with fab drinks deals, amazing live music and fireworks. Definitely grab tickets for that if you get the chance!

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Ah, great news, guys – Malia also marked my first time swilling someone. If you don’t know what ‘swilling’ is, it means to throw your drink in someone’s face. Classy.

Don’t worry, it was totally justified. To the point: a complete stranger pretended to work in the bar we were sitting in, and proceeded to take our money… for absolutely nothing, we soon learned.

After it became very clear he was in fact, a randomer, and not a Greek barman called Nikos, the manager had to practically prise our money back from his greedy hands, and his smug, laughing face was just too much to handle. Therefore, I took great joy in launching a satisfyingly full bottle of water over his furious, now soaking wet face… obvs running away immediately after. Karma.

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Despite Malia’s notorious wild-side, it actually has an old town which was absolutely gorgeous – a hidden gem just 2 minutes away, and a complete contrast to the tacky clubs and 16-year old Brit’s spewing in the streets.

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Gotta utilise that backdrop.

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We went for a few meals there in the evenings, which were lovely. Two restaurants I’d really recommend were Odas Taverna and San Giorgio Taverna. The staff were so welcoming, kind, chatty, and the authentic, real Greek food was to die for.

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Odas Taverna
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San Giorgio Taverna
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Tzatziki is bae.

Definitely make the effort to swap out your takeaway cheesy chips for some proper Greek food while you’re there – it really was one of the main highlights of the week!

Another fab restaurant I’d highly recommend is Drossia, at the bottom of the strip near the beach. The sweet old owner practically chased us up the road to make sure we took a bag of his home-grown tomatoes, too, which were delicious.

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So… I think I’ve covered everything, to be honest! What a week we had. Quote of the holiday, you might wonder? ‘I’m going to dry shave my pubes in the sink, guys.’ That probably sums up the week well.

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The beach at sunrise.

If you’re heading to Malia this summer, have fun, and take note of this widsom: avoid the pineapple juice like the plague, because the taste resembles gone-off, mature cheddar cheese. Enjoy!

Have you ever been to Malia before? Did you love it as much as I did? Leave me a comment below!

Love, Dayna x

Want to have a laugh about my previous girls holidays? Check out these posts:

Benicassim

Zante

Kavos

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5 thoughts on “7 Nights in: Malia

  1. Pingback: 7 Nights in: Ibiza

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